How to Eat French Fries While Driving
And other Fry Nonsense.
I recently saw an advertisement on television for Burger King’s new “Satisfries”; French fries with less fat and fewer calories. I headed over to Burger King and went through the drive-thru and ordered the “Satisfries”. I can’t begin to tell you how embarrassed I was to say “I’ll have an order of Satisfries”….. Ughhh! I get the chills just thinking about it. Anyway, the advertisement included information and details about the percentages of fat and calories and emphasized how “tasty” and full of flavor the “Satisfries” are. So I proceeded to eat the fries. My evaluation of the new “Satisfries”: they are way too salty. The fries are doused in a seasoning salt to give them the special “flavor” that they think needs to be added to make up for lost fat and calorie content. There was so much salt that my lap and seat were bathed in the white stuff. Burger King…. you need to do some random quality control because your employees are adding too much salt; you can’t possibly have intended for them to have that much salt. If it makes you feel any better Burger King, McDonald’s needs to do a random QC on the salt content of their fries as well. Other than having too much salt, they weren’t too bad. They were the good old-fashioned crinkle cut (my favorite). The Satisfries were very heavy but somehow I slightly enjoyed them; after wiping each fry on the napkin draping my right leg.
This brings me to the subject I intended to write about in the first place…how to eat French fries while driving. There are several techniques. Let’s review some of these and then I will unveil my new favorite.
1) French fries kept in the bag. You pull them out one at a time, peering in the bag occasionally to make sure you don’t grab a less than perfect fry ( until you are still hungry and then it’s all fair game). You can use a napkin for the ketchup. (Don’t judge, you know you all have been that desperate a time or two in your life). This napkin method is very messy when the ketchup soaks into the napkin and leaves you with a torn, soggy mess that stains anything underneath it. Using the napkin for the ketchup is not the best idea as it soaks up too much moisture from the ketchup which then cheats you on the itty-bitty amount of ketchup you slaved so hard to squeeze out of that little foil packet while at the stop light or while driving (this takes talent).
2) Bag crushed and flattened used as a plate for a handful of fries and a dollop of ketchup. This method is better than #1. It is easier to see which fries to eat first so you can keep your eyes on the road and it makes for a better ketchup dish. The obvious downfall of this method is that you don’t have a bag to put your fast-food trash in after eating your meal of 10 recommended vitamins and 8 essential minerals.
3) French fries still in their cardboard container, between the legs. This provides fool-proof stability so your fries don’t go flying all over the car when the driver in front of you decides to slam on his brakes. The French fries between the legs technique is a hard one to beat (who can resist the after-smell of fries-on the-thighs)? At the very least, it will drive your small lap-dog crazy later. This method pairs well with ketchup just straight from the packet where they can be frosted individually one at a time, (with that succulent, red food-of-the-gods) while you steer with your knees.
4) And now to my favorite technique….. Ripping the fast-food-bag half way down on both sides; now you have a perfect bowl for your fries for full viewing pleasure and a bag to use for trash when you are finished. This method pairs perfectly with ketchup by using an upside-down plastic drinking lid and strategically placing it on the dash or the middle console. The lid makes for a soak proof ketchup dish (just try not to place ketchup on the crack where the straw goes; even then it works well). Most importantly, drape your leg with a napkin to keep those driving fingers clean of grease and for a place to wipe off those fries with too much salt.
Disclaimer: This is in no way a guide to eating French fries safely while driving. See the title of this piece of art, er… I mean satirical work; it is not titled “how to eat French fries ‘SAFELY’ while driving”. I do not condone nor have I ever participated in such behavior behind the wheel, nor is it in any way a reflection of my upbringing or standard of living. People should never eat fast-food fries while driving! Again, I have never done any of the above behavior, nor have I ever thought of doing something so ludicrous. Just saying….
Written by author: Lynette Barrett 2013